If It Comes Back

Charlessawthembothatthesametime:thesmallwhitebirdfloatingfromamongtheparktreesandthegirlwheelingdownthewalk.1Thebirdglideddownwardandrestedinthegrass;thegirldirectedthechairsmoothlyalongthesunlit,shadowywalk.2Hercollapsible3metalchairmighthavebeenmotorized4:itcarriedheralongsosmoothly.Shestoppedtowatchtheducksonthepondandwhensheshovedthewheelsagain,Charlessprangtohisfeet."MayIpushyou?"hecalled,runningacrossthegrasstoher.Thewhitebirdflewtothetopofatree.

Itwasmostlyhewhotalkedandheseemedafraidtostopforfearshedaskhimtoleaveherbyherself.Nothinginherfacehadsupportedtheideaofhelplessnessconveyedbythewheelchair,andheknewthathisassistancewasnotviewedasafavor.5Heaskedthecauseofherhandicap;notbecauseitwassoimportantforhimtoknow,butbecauseitwassomethingtokeeptheconversationgoing.

"ItwasanautomobileaccidentwhenIwastwelve,"Amyexplained."Iwasreadingtomyyoungerbrotherinthebackseatandsuddenlymymotherscreamedandtriedfrantically6tomissthetruckthathadpulledoutinfrontofus.WhenIwokeupinthehospital,mymotherwasscreamingagainoutsidethedoor.ThistimeshewastryingtoescapethefactthatIwouldneverwalkagain."

"Prettyroughonbothofyou.7Whataboutyourbrother?"

"HecameoutofitalittlebetterthanIdid;atleasthewasdismissedfromthehospitalbeforeIwas.Ittookusallalongtimetoacceptandadjust."

Theywentforlunch,andhewouldhavefeltawkwardexceptthatsheknewcompletelyhowtotakecareofherself.Itwashewhoseemedclumsyandbumpedintoatable;shewhomovedcompetentlythroughtheaisle.8

"Doyoulivewithsomeone?"heaskedthenextdayforhedmadeapointof9askingtomeetheragain.

"Justmyself,"sheanswered.Hefeltaqualm10inhisstomach,anditwasmoreinmemoryofhisownlonelinessthananticipationofhers.11

Hecametoliketofeelthewhitehandlesinhisgrasp,towalkbetweenthetwowhite-rimmedmetalwheels.Andhegrewalmostmorefamiliarwiththeslightwaveatthebackofherhairthanwithhereyesorhermouth.Thechairwasamoveablewonder;helovedthefeelingofpowerandstrengthitgavehimforsolittleexertion.12Once,hesaidtothewaveatthebackofherhair,"IhopeImtheonlychair-pusherinyourlife,"butshehadonlysmiledalittleandhereyeshadadmittednothing.Whenhelookedup,henoticedawhitebirdflyingfromonetreetoanother,tracingtheirroutewiththem.

ShecookeddinnerforhimonceinJune.Heexpectedhertobeproudofherabilitytodoeverythingfromherseatinthewheelchair?nbsp;andwasfaintlydisappointedtoseethatshewouldnotfeelprideatwhatwas,forher,simplyamatterofcourse.13Hewatchedhisownhandpickupthesaltshaker14andplaceitononeofthehigher,unusedcabinetshelves,thenawaitedherpleaforassistance.Hedidntknowwhyheddoneit,butthelookinhereyesamomentlatergavehimashockinhiseasyjoy.Hefeltasthoughhewereplayingpokerandhehadjustaccidentallyrevealedhishandtotheopponent.15Tomakeherforgetwhatheddone,hetoldheraboutthelittlewhitebirdinthepark.

"Iveseenit,too,"shesaid."Ireadapoemonceaboutalittlewhitebirdthatcametorestonawindowsillandtheladywholivedinthehousebegantoputoutfoodforit.Soontheladyfellinlove,butitwasamismatchedlove.Everydaythelittlebirdcametothewindowandtheladyputoutfood.Whentheloveaf

fairwasover,thelittlewhitebirdneverreturned,butthewomanwentonputtinoutthecrumbs16everydayforyearsandthewindjustblewthemaway."

InJulyhetookherboatingfrequently.Shepreparedapicnicluncheachtime,andhemanned17thesails.Themostawkwardeventofthis,shefelt,wastheloadingandunloading18ofherself.ForCharles,however,these"freighthandlings",asshecametocallit,seemedtobethehighlightoftheoutings.Heappearedtotakegreatdelightinwheelinghertotheendofthepier19,pickingherupoutofthechair,balancinghimselftosetherintotheboat,thencollapsingthechairandsettingitonitssideonboard.Onthefirstfewoutings,shehadfeltdistinctlyillateaseathavingbeenplacedhelplesslyinaspotfromwhichshecouldnotmoveherself.Itoccurredtoher,too,thatshewasunabletoswim,shouldtheboatturnover.20Charles,whoadaptedhimselfmarvelouslytothecaptainsrole,wascompletelyoblivious21toherdiscomfort;shenotedwithareturningsenseofhelplessnesshowmuchheenjoyedbeingincontrol.WhenhecalledforheronedayinearlyAugustwithabrandnewcaptainshatcockedatop22hissoftbrownhair,allheremotionsrevoltedattheideaofanotherdaytrappedonthewoodenseatoverthewater?nbsp;andsherefusedtogo.

Theywould,instead,shesaid,goforawalkinwhichshewouldmoveherselfbythestrengthofherownarmsandhewouldwalkbesideher.Hefinallyagreed,buthisdispleasuregrewwitheachstep;thiswasarolehedidntwanttoplay.

"Whydontyoujustrestyourarmsandletmepushyou?"

"No."

"Yourarmsllgetsore;Ivebeenhelpingyoudoitforthreemonthsnow."

"Iwheeledmyselffortwelveyearsbeforeyoucamealong?nbsp;Idoubtthatmyarmshaveforgottenhow."

"ButIdontlikehavingtowalkbesideyouwhileyoupushyourself!"

"DoyouthinkIvelikedhavingtosithelplessinyourboateveryweekendforthepasttwomonths?"

Foramomenthewasstunnedintosilencebythisnewlearning.Finallyhesaidquietly,"Ineverrealizedthat,Amy.Youreinawheelchairallthetime—Ineverthoughtyoudmindsittingintheboat.Itsthesamething."

"Itisnotthesamething.Inthischair,Icanmovebymyself;IcangoanywhereIneedtogo.ThatboattrapsmesoIcantdoanything?nbsp;IcouldntevensavemyselfifsomethinghappenedandIfellout."

"ButImthere.DontyouthinkIcouldsaveyouorhelpyoumoveorwhateveritisyouwant?"

"Yes,butCharles?nbsp;thepointisIvespenttwelveyearslearningtomanagebymyself.IevenliveinacitythatsmilesfrommyfamilysoIllhavetobeindependentanddothingsformyself.BeingplacedintheboattakesallthatIvewonawayfromme.23CantyouseewhyIobjecttoit?Icantletmyselfbeatanyonesmercy—notevenyours."

Theycontinueddownthepathinsilenceashisfeelingsboiledwithinhimandfinallyranovertheedgeofhiscontrol:"Amy,Ineedtohaveyoudependentuponme.Ineedyourdependenceuponme."And,asiftopunctuate24hisdesire,hetookthefamiliarwhitebarsinhandandpushedherrapidlyalongsothatherownhandscameoffthewheelsandrestedinherlap.Thewaveatthebackofherhairdidnotshowtheangerinhereyes,anditwasjustaswellforitwasanangerhewouldnothaveunderstood.

ShewouldnotanswerhertelephonethenextmorningbutinhismailsthatafternooncameanenvelopethatheknewhadcomefromAmy.Thehandwritingwasnotbeautiful,butitwaswithoutquestionhers.Insidewasonlyacardonwhichshehadwritten:

Ifyouwantsomethingbadlyenough,

Youmustletitgofree.

Ifitcomesbacktoyou,

Itsyours.

Ifitdoesnt,

Youreallyneverhaditanyway.

——Anonymous

Heranoutofhisapartment,refusingtobelievethatAmymightnolongerbeinherhome.Ashewasrunningtowardsherapartment,hekepthearingaroarinhisears:"Youmustletitgofree;youmustletitgofree."

Buthethought:Icantriskit,sheismine,cantjustletgo,cantgiveherachancenottobelongtome,cantletherthinkshedoesntneedme,shemustneedme.OhGod,Ihavetohaveher.

Butherapartmentwasempty.Somehowinthehoursovernight,shehadpackedbyherselfandmovedbyherself.Theroomswerenowimpersonal;theircoldstillnesscouldnotrespondwhenhefelltothefloorandsobbed.

BythemiddleofAugusthehadheardnothingfromAmy.Helayoftenonhisbedwithherletteronhischestandcountedtheminute25cracksinhisceiling;hewentoftentotheparkbutscrupulously26avoidedlookingforthewhitebird.Sometimeshewouldsitforhoursthereinthewindunderatreeandnotevennoticethathewasoutside,thatlifewentonaroundhim.

Septembercameandhadalmostgonebeforehefinallyreceivedanenvelopeoffamiliarstationery.Thehandwritingwasnotbeautifulbutitwaswithoutquestionhers.Thepostmarkwasthatofacitymanymilesdistant.Withashockoffeelingreturningtohisheart,hetoreopentheenvelopeandatfirstthoughtitwasempty.Thenhenoticedonhisdeskasinglewhitefeatherthathadfallenfromit.Inhismind,thewhitebirdroseinflightanditswingsletflyonefeather.Wereitnotforthefeatherlostindeparture,noonewouldhaveknownthatthewhitebirdhadeverbeen.ThusheknewAmywouldnotbeback,anditwasmanyhoursbeforeheletthefeatherdropoutofhishand.