A Telephone Call

PLEASE,God,lethimtelephonemenow.DearGod,lethimcallmenow.IwontaskanythingelseofYou,trulyIwont.Itisntverymuchtoask.ItwouldbesolittletoYou,God,suchalittle,littlething.Onlylethimtelephonenow.Please,God.Please,please,please.

IfIdidntthinkaboutit,maybethetelephonemightring.Sometimesitdoesthat.IfIcouldthinkofsomethingelse.IfIcouldthinkofsomethingelse.MaybeifIcountedfivehundredbyfives,itmightringbythattime.Illcountslowly.Iwontcheat.AndifitringswhenIgettothreehundred,Iwontstop;IwontanswerituntilIgettofivehundred.Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five,forty,forty-five,fifty....Oh,pleasering.Please.

ThisisthelasttimeIlllookattheclock.Iwillnotlookatitagain.Itstenminutespastseven.Hesaidhewouldtelephoneatfiveoclock."Illcallyouatfive,darling."Ithinkthatswherehesaid"darling."Imalmostsurehesaiditthere.Iknowhecalledme"darling"twice,andtheothertimewaswhenhesaidgood-bye."Good-bye,darling."Hewasbusy,andhecantsaymuchintheoffice,buthecalledme"darling"twice.Hecouldnthavemindedmycallinghimup.Iknowyoushouldntkeeptelephoningthem?Iknowtheydontlikethat.Whenyoudothattheyknowyouarethinkingaboutthemandwantingthem,andthatmakesthemhateyou.ButIhadnttalkedtohiminthreedays?notinthreedays.AndallIdidwasaskhimhowhewas;itwasjustthewayanybodymighthavecalledhimup.Hecouldnthavemindedthat.HecouldnthavethoughtIwasbotheringhim."No,ofcourseyourenot,"hesaid.Andhesaidhedtelephoneme.

Hedidnthavetosaythat.Ididntaskhimto,trulyIdidnt.ImsureIdidnt.Idontthinkhewouldsayhedtelephoneme,andthenjustneverdoit.Pleasedontlethimdothat,God.Pleasedont.

"Illcallyouatfive,darling.""Good-bye,darling."Hewasbusy,andhewasinahurry,andtherewerepeoplearoundhim,buthecalledme"darling"twice.Thatsmine,thatsmine.Ihavethat,evenifIneverseehimagain.Oh,butthatssolittle.Thatisntenough.Nothingsenough,ifIneverseehimagain.Pleaseletmeseehimagain,God.Please,Iwanthimsomuch.Iwanthimsomuch.Illbegood,God.Iwilltrytobebetter,Iwill,Ifyouwillletmeseehimagain.IfYouwilllethimtelephoneme.Oh,lethimtelephonemenow.

Ah,dontletmyprayerseemtoolittletoYou,God.Yousitupthere,sowhiteandold,withalltheangelsaboutYouandthestarsslippingby.AndIcometoYouwithaprayeraboutatelephonecall.Ah,dontlaugh,God.Yousee,Youdontknowhowitfeels.Youresosafe,thereonYourthrone,withtheblueswirlingunderYou.NothingcantouchYou;noonecantwistYourheartinhishands.Thisissuffering,God,thisisbad,badsuffering.WontYouhelpme?ForYourSonssake,helpme.YousaidYouwoulddowhateverwasaskedofYouinHisname.Oh,God,inthenameofThine6onlybelovedSon,JesusChrist,ourLord,lethimtelephonemenow.

Imuststopthis.Imustntbethisway.Look.Supposeayoungmansayshellcallagirlup,andthensomethinghappens,andhedoesnt.Thatisntsoterrible,isit?Why,itsgoingonallovertheworld,rightthisminute.Oh,whatdoIcarewhatsgoingonallovertheworld?Whycantthattelephonering?Whycantit,whycantit?Couldntyouring?Ah,please,couldntyou?Youdamned,ugly,shinything.Itwouldhurtyoutoring,wouldntit?Oh,thatwouldhurtyou.Damnyou,Illpullyourfilthyrootsoutofthewall,Illsmashyoursmugblackfaceinlittlebits.7Damnyoutohell.

No,no,no.Imuststop.Imustthinkaboutsomethingelse.ThisiswhatIlldo.Illputtheclockintheotherroom.ThenIcantlookatit.IfIdohavetolookatit,thenIllhavetowalkintothebedroom,andthatwillbesomethingtodo.Maybe,beforeIlookatitagain,hewillcallme.Illbesosweettohim,ifhecallsme.Ifhesayshecantseemetonight,Illsay,"Why,thatsallright,dear.Why,ofcourseitsallright."IllbethewayIwaswhenIfirstmethim.Thenmaybehelllikemeagain.Iwasalwayssweet,atfirst.Oh,itssoeasytobesweettopeoplebeforeyoulovethem.

Ithinkhemuststilllikemealittle.Hecouldnthavecalledme"darling"twicetoday,ifhedidntstilllikemealittle.Itisntallgone,ifhestilllikesmealittle;evenifitsonlyalittle,littlebit.Yousee,God,ifYouwouldjustlethimtelephoneme,IwouldnthavetoaskYouanythingmore.Iwouldbesweettohim,Iwouldbegay,IwouldbejustthewayIusedtobe,andthenhewouldlovemeagain.AndthenIwouldneverhavetoaskYouforanythingmore.DontYousee,God?SowontYoupleaselethimtelephoneme?WontYouplease,please,please?

AreYoupunishingme,God,becauseIvebeenbad?AreYouangrywithmebecauseIdidthat?Oh,but,God,therearesomanybadpeople?Youcouldnotbehardonlytome.Anditwasntverybad;itcouldnthavebeenbad.Wedidnthurtanybody,God.Thingsareonlybadwhentheyhurtpeople.Wedidnthurtonesinglesoul;Youknowthat.Youknowitwasntbad,dontYou,God?SowontYoulethimtelephonemenow?

Ifhedoesnttelephoneme,IllknowGodisangrywithme.Illcountfivehundredbyfives,andifhehasntcalledmethen,IwillknowGodisntgoingtohelpme,everagain.Thatwillbethesign.Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five,forty,forty-five,fifty,fifty-five...Itwasbad.Iknewitwasbad.Allright,God,sendmetohell.YouthinkYourefrighteningmewithYourhell,dontYou?Youthink.Yourhellisworsethanmine.

Imustnt.Imustntdothis.Supposehesalittlelatecallingmeup?thatsnothingtogethystericalabout.Maybeheisntgoingtocall?maybehescomingstraightupherewithouttelephoning.Hellbecross10ifheseesIhavebeencrying.Theydontlikeyoutocry.Hedoesntcry.IwishtoGodIcouldmakehimcry.IwishIcouldmakehimcryandtreadthefloorandfeelhisheartheavyandbigandfesteringinhim.IwishIcouldhurthimlikehell.

Hedoesntwishthataboutme.Idontthinkheevenknowshowhemakesmefeel.Iwishhecouldknow,withoutmytellinghim.Theydontlikeyoutotellthemtheyvemadeyoucry.Theydontlikeyoutotellthemyoureunhappybecauseofthem.Ifyoudo,theythinkyourepossessiveandexacting.Andthentheyhateyou.Theyhateyouwheneveryousayanythingyoureallythink.Youalwayshavetokeepplayinglittlegames.Oh,Ithoughtwedidnthaveto;IthoughtthiswassobigIcouldsaywhateverImeant.Iguessyoucant,ever.Iguessthereisnteveranythingbigenoughforthat.Oh,ifhewouldjusttelephone,IwouldnttellhimIhadbeensadabouthim.Theyhatesadpeople.Iwouldbesosweetandsogay,hecouldnthelpbutlikeme.Ifhewouldonlytelephone.Ifhewouldonlytelephone.

Maybethatswhatheisdoing.Maybeheiscomingonherewithoutcallingmeup.Maybehesonhiswaynow.Somethingmighthavehappenedtohim.No,nothingcouldeverhappentohim.Icantpictureanythinghappeningtohim.Ineverpicturehimrunover.Ineverseehimlyingstillandlonganddead.Iwishheweredead.Thatsaterriblewish.Thatsalovelywish.Ifheweredead,hewouldbemine.Ifheweredead,Iwouldneverthinkofnowandthelastfewweeks.Iwouldrememberonlythelovelytimes.Itwouldbeallbeautiful.Iwishheweredead.Iwishheweredead,dead,dead.

Thisissilly.Itssillytogowishingpeopleweredeadjustbecausetheydontcallyouuptheveryminutetheysaidtheywould.Maybetheclocksfast;Idontknowwhetheritsright.Maybeheshardlylateatall.Anythingcouldhavemadehimalittlelate.Maybehehadtostayathisoffice.Maybehewenthome,tocallmeupfromthere,andsomebodycamein.Hedoesntliketotelephonemeinfrontofpeople.Maybehesworried,justalittle,littlebit,aboutkeepingmewaiting.HemightevenhopethatIwouldcallhimup.Icoulddothat.Icouldtelephonehim.

Imustnt.Imustnt,Imustnt.Oh,God,pleasedontletmetelephonehim.Pleasekeepmefromdoingthat.Iknow,God,justaswellasYoudo,thatifhewereworriedaboutme,hedtelephonenomatterwherehewasorhowmanypeopletherewerearoundhim.Pleasemakemeknowthat,God.IdontaskYOUtomakeiteasyforme?Youcantdothat,forallthatYoucouldmakeaworld.Onlyletmeknowit,God.Dontletmegoonhoping.Dontletmesaycomfortingthingstomyself.Pleasedontletmehope,dearGod.Pleasedont.

Iwonttelephonehim.IllnevertelephonehimagainaslongasIlive.Hellrotinhell,beforeIllcallhimup.Youdonthavetogivemestrength,God;Ihaveitmyself.Ifhewantedme,hecouldgetme.HeknowswhereIam.HeknowsImwaitinghere.Hessosureofme,sosure.Iwonderwhytheyhateyou,assoonastheyaresureofyou.Ishouldthinkitwouldbesosweettobesure.

Itwouldbesoeasytotelephonehim.ThenIdknow.Maybeitwouldntbeafoolishthingtodo.Maybehewouldntmind.Maybehedlikeit.Maybehehasbeentryingtogetme.Sometimespeopletryandtrytogetyouonthetelephone,andtheysaythenumberdoesntanswer.Imnotjustsayingthattohelpmyself;thatreallyhappens.Youknowthatreallyhappens,God.Oh,God,keepmeawayfromthattelephone.Keepmeaway.Letmestillhavejustalittlebitofpride.IthinkImgoingtoneedit,God.IthinkitwillbeallIllhave.

Oh,whatdoespridematter,whenIcantstanditifIdonttalktohim?Pridelikethatissuchasilly,shabbylittlething.Therealpride,thebigpride,isinhavingnopride.ImnotsayingthatjustbecauseIwanttocallhim.Iamnot.Thatstrue,Iknowthatstrue.Iwillbebig.Iwillbebeyondlittleprides.

Please,God,keepmefrom,telephoninghim.Please,God.

Idontseewhatpridehastodowithit.Thisissuchalittlething,formetobebringinginpride,formetobemakingsuchafussabout.Imayhavemisunderstoodhim.Maybehesaidformetocallhimup,atfive."Callmeatfive,darling."Hecouldhavesaidthat,perfectlywell.ItssopossiblethatIdidnthearhimright."Callmeatfive,darling."Imalmostsurethatswhathesaid.God,dontletmetalkthiswaytomyself.Makemeknow,pleasemakemeknow.

Illthinkaboutsomethingelse.Illjustsitquietly.IfIcouldsitstill.IfIcouldsitstill.MaybeIcouldread.Oh,allthebooksareaboutpeoplewholoveeachother,trulyandsweetly.Whatdotheywanttowriteaboutthatfor?Donttheyknowitisnttrue?Donttheyknowitsalie,itsaGoddamnedlie?Whatdotheyhavetotellaboutthatfor,whentheyknowhowithurts?Damnthem,damnthem,damnthem.

Iwont.Illbequiet.Thisisnothingtogetexcitedabout.Look.SupposeheweresomeoneIdidntknowverywell.Supposehewereanothergirl.ThenIdjusttelephoneandsay,"Well,forgoodnesssake,whathappenedtoyou?"ThatswhatIddo,andIdnevereventhinkaboutit.WhycantIbecasualandnatural,justbecauseIlovehim?Icanbe.Honestly,Icanbe.Illcallhimup,andbesoeasyandpleasant.YouseeifIwont,God.Oh,dontletmecallhim.Dont,dont,dont.

God,arentYoureallygoingtolethimcallme?AreYousure,God?CouldntYoupleaserelent?CouldntYou?IdontevenaskYoutolethimtelephonemethisminute,God;onlylethimdoitinalittlewhile.Illcountfivehundredbyfives.Illdoitsoslowlyandsofairly.Ifhehasnttelephonedthen,Illcallhim.Iwill.Oh,please,dearGod,dearkindGod,myblessedFatherinHeaven,lethimcallbeforethen.Please,God.Please.

Five,ten,fifteen,twenty,twenty-five,thirty,thirty-five....

注：这是曾获“欧·亨利纪念奖”（TheO.HenryAwards,1918年开始设立，专门用以奖励每年度的最佳短篇小说）的美国女诗人、短篇小说家帕克（DorothyParker1893-1967）的代表作之一。作者以细腻的手法，意识流的叙事方式，展现给读者一位饱受爱情折磨的女性的心理独白。其实，作为一个坚定的社会主义者，帕克又何尝不是在告诫女性：女性不能坐等爱的出现，应该学会主宰自己的命运。