无形的墙

ifirstfellinlovewithhusbandwhenwewouldsitandtalkinthelivingroomofmyoldapartmentinfrontofthe(ceiling-to-floor)windowswiththelong,whitecurtains,drinkingcupsofscalding,blackcoffee.wewouldjustsitandtalk-sometimesuntilsunrise.iwassocompletelythrilledtohavefinallyfoundthatonespecialpersonandourweddingwaywasthehappiestdayofmylife.

however,itwasnotlongafterourhoneymoonwhenmyhusbandclimbedintothetombcalled"theoffice"andwrappedhismindinashroudofpaperworkandburiedhimselfinclients,andisaidnothingforfearofturningintoanaggingwife.itseemedasifovernightaninvisiblewallhadbeenerectedbetweenus.whenourdaughter,desireewasbornshequicklybecamethecenterofmyworld.iwatchedhergrowfrominfanttotoddler,andinolongerseemedtocarethatmyhusbandwasgettingbusierandspendinglesstimeathome.somewherebetweenhisworkscheduleandourhomeandyoungdaughter,wewerelosingtouchwitheachother.thatinvisiblewallwasnowbeingcementedbythemortarofindifference.

desireewentofftopreschoolandireturnedtocollegetofinishmydegree,anditriedtofindmyselfinthecoursesitook;icomplainedwithalltheotheryoungwomenoncampusaboutmenwhoareinsensitive.sometimeslateatnighticriedandbeggedthewhisperingdarknesstotellmewhoireallywas,andmyhusbandlaybesidesnoringlikeahibernatingbearunawareofmywinter.thentragedystruckourlives,whenmyhusbandsyoungerbrotherwaskilledonseptember11,2001,alongwiththousandofotherinnocentpeople.hemadeitoutokayandspoketohiswifetosayhewasgoingbackintohelpthosethatwerestilltrapped.hewasidentifiedonlybytheengravingontheinsideofhisweddingband.

attendingmybrothersmemorialservicewasaneye-openingexperienceforthebothofus.forthefirsttime,wesawourownmarriagewasalmostlikemyin-laws.atthetragicdeathoftheyoungestsontheycouldnotreachoutconsoleoneanother.itseemedasifsomewherebetweentheoldestsonsfirsttoothandtheyoungestsonsgraduationtheyhadlosteachother.theirweddingdayphotographoftheyoung,happy,smilingcoupleonthemantleoftheirfireplacewasalmostmockingthosetwomindsthatnolongertouched.theywerelivinginsuchaninvisiblewallbetweenthemthattheheaviestbatteringwiththestrongestartillerywouldnotpenetrate,whenlovediesitisnotinamomentofangrybattleorwhenfierybodieslosetheirheat;itliesbrokenandpantingandexhaustedatthebottomofawallitcannotpenetrate.recentlyonenight,myhusbandtoldofhisfearofdying.untilthenhehadbeenafraidtoexposehisnakedsouls.ispokeoftryingtofindmyselfinthewritingsinmyjournal.itseemedasifeachofushadbeenhidingoursoul-searchingfromtheother.

weareslowlyworkingtowardbuildingabridge—notawall,sothatwhenwereachouttoeachother,wedonotfindabarrierwecannotpenetrateandrecoilfromthecoldnessofthestoneorretreatfromthestrangerontheotherside.